My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Randomize
