Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
