True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
