don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
