I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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