The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
