I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
