I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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