It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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