my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
