One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
