I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
