The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
