We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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