Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
