This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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