There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i love accidental penises.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
