Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So vagazzling was a success
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
