If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
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