brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
