More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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