I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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