I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
