I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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