the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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