I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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