i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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