you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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