Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i used baking grease as lip gloss
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
