Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Dicks are not precious.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
