I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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