planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
