Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
