He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
