I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
