looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
two words...techno handjob
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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