From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
