I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
