he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
