There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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