What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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