Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
