your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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