remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
