I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
