its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
