the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
