Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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