he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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