Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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