I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
