I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
