Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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