why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Randomize
