I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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